kneeling, praying
think it’s raining
but
it’s only my tears
hitting the hardwood
falling heavier than
I thought they could
they’ve taken on a
life of their own
my tear drops crying back to me
wanting to bring me home
my tear drops know that
I can’t even speak
can’t even pray
but they know
He knows my thoughts
I don’t have anything
new to say
kneeling, praying
and
all the while
thinking it’s raining
making me hunger for winter
the way the marble meets the sleepy sun’s
rouge that lingers in the evening
causing pangs I didn’t even know existed
thought I had my fill many years ago
when my feet were frozen to the ground
when I was surviving waist-high
in that frigid, blinding snow
come and sit awhile
let’s calm our racing hearts
slow our breathing while
we pace our troubled thoughts
only certain worries
can I handle today
close my eyes to stop the fury
put my hands out to pray
come and sit awhile
we don’t have to say a word
let’s just marvel at creation
let’s wish to be like the birds
can’t handle any anxieties today
I can’t even deal
close my eyes to stop the world
put my hand up to pray
come and sit awhile
long-lost friend of mine
let’s just sit in silence
until the end of time
This week has been a rough one. I don’t even have a quasi figurative way of expressing myself right now. The whole situation just sucks! I wish a miracle would happen to take away my son’s intense aggression! I read a passage out of the Bible this morning and it explained my entire sad situation. This Psalm has been described as the saddest passage in the entire book. Do you agree?
Lord, you are the God who saves me;
day and night I cry out to you.
2 May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.3 I am overwhelmed with troubles
and my life draws near to death.
4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like one without strength.
5 I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.6 You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.
7 Your wrath lies heavily on me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.[d]
8 You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
9 my eyes are dim with grief.I call to you, Lord, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
11 Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction[e]?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?13 But I cry to you for help, Lord;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, Lord, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?15 From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
darkness is my closest friend.Psalm 88
when you took my hand you let your fingers
linger on mine a little longer than usual
made me think you were saying goodbye
much like…
when you hold the hand
of a loved one that’s about to die
couldn’t be good news
the way you just left me
watched you walk away
one part of me not caring
the other part wanting you to stay
this too shall pass
I need you to think
as you look past that jagged piece of glass
sitting on your counter reminding you
of that blood tainted dream
you dreamt last night
remember the dread and then relief
hang on to that fleeting feeling of fright
this too shall pass
I need you to think
as you look into
that pool of blue sinking
stupid girl
I know what you’re thinking
but turn away
don’t let that horrid image stay
this too shall pass
I need you to think
when he warps and wraps
his sickness into your brain
makes you turn into ice
when his vapor speaks
breaks you into a thousand pieces
that slide about his pacing feet
this too shall pass
I need you to think
of how much more you’ll take
how much more will you take?
wait till he turns his back
then scramble your way out
forget your shoes and move
don’t look over your shoulder
just run, fly
much like that flock of massive crows
with their black and blue feathers
that match your arms
match your soul
depart, feel no pain
as the spiny palms try
to stop you in vain
this too shall pass
I need you to think
as you look past your life gone mad
hold back your blinding tears
let the ghostly syllables
play about in your ears
I need you to hear
this too shall pass
moss tangled, lingering down their branches
beautiful, flowing ribbons of brown
rows and rows and rows of them
massive nest of that moss
ushered us out of the state
while the giant water storm
she spins and waits
coming back those tangled masses of feathery moss
looked more like decapitated heads
with their dried blood
and muddy footprints all around
the wind beaten ground
evidence that they fought
proof that they tried to run
a far cry from the trees we left behind
the ones with the beautiful crowns
standing tall, waiting for the change
caused a flood of memories to rush back to me
overwhelm me
made me not want to return to my sunshine state
but
we did and here we are
44 hours we spent in that car
back to this
back to the same
Sorry for my absence. We ended up having to evacuate our home in South Florida due to Hurricane Irma. The first day we drove to Valdosta, Georgia. What should have been a 5.5-hour journey turned into a 12-hour drive fest on back roads to avoid the “real” jams on the Turnpike or 95. From there the plan was to go to Birmingham, Alabama but Irma changed her course and wanted to follow us. So, last-minute we decided to trek to Richmond, Virginia to visit family. We spent another day in the car – this time 15 hours. In the wee hours of the morning, we would see cars piled into rest areas – I assumed the occupants were sleeping. We continued past and didn’t arrive at our destination in Virginia until 3 am.
My beautiful autistic son with Type 1 diabetes, epilepsy, and mental health diagnoses was given an emergency prescription of Geodon to get us there safely. We only had one major behavior “hiccup.” (We also had a car accident, but that’s a different story.)
My son, stressed because we had to leave our house and stuck in the car, decided to whip my head back a few times by grabbing my hair. I’m driving, of course, and my daughter, trying to shield my head, almost had her arm broke trying to protect me. We were, thankfully, going through a city, and I was able to pull over for safety.
Long story short – I’ll spare you the miserable details, or I’ll write a pretty poem about them later, we are finally back home.
Debris to clean up, hurricane shutters to take down and food to buy is what the next few days hold.
Our coast was spared this time, praise God!
The Tape House 