why is it that i hear screams in the night.
when i close my eyes, and it’s quiet.
flashbacks of you, having to be restrained.
you biting, biting. i’m bleeding.
memories of you strapped down, pumped full of ketamine.
close your eyes, close your eyes. i’m pleading.
water everywhere, around me
surrounds me
puddles, the ponds, lakes, the sea
water above, around
surrounding me
my head under everywhere it seems
stuck breathing in bubbles, barely
but I’m gasping for air in my dreams
Look at you
with the pink sky behind you
adjusting your cap
like you care
Look at you
with your bored eyes closing
faking your sleep
like a dare
Everything he told me was a lie.
The bits about the winter, his past,
his apparitions.
Even that story of him skating
fearfully on the ice
Before he blacked out to
Dream about her.
Lost and crying in Heaven.
Everything he told me was a lie.
I don’t want to be that girl
who gives everything
everything she has and hasn’t
over and over until
it’s years and years later
with everything dwindling
down to a few somethings
I don’t want to be that bird
who gives away her last somethings
somethings she has and hasn’t
every day and day until
it’s ages and ages later
with somethings scrambling
down to nothing
I don’t want to be that desperate soul
who even tries to give nothing
nothings she has and hasn’t
over and over until
she reaches forever and a day
with nothings trembling
down to anything
I don’t want to be that girl
what airs you try to possess
as the dragonflies try their best
to provide proficient company
as you carefully trim the trees
to look like those jewels
that rest upon your breast
must have been a thousand years old,
those scars on her hand
when she forgot her looks and
her dreams ran out the door
yet
that yellow still makes her dizzy
and her tongue still prefers what’s fizzy
maybe her soul hasn’t lost its spark
maybe she hasn’t lost her life
just yet
brown tipped moth led the way
past the swamp, the marsh, the murk.
away from the swarm of ink
waiting to envelop me.
it led the way past the squished
garnet worms beneath my
cardboard sneakers, me
whispering sorry
past the house with the
flamingos in their pool,
past the party, the envy, the fools.
brown tipped moth led the way
and I followed, inhaling its dust
past the chatter, the damage, the lies.
away from this flock of fear
and
away from thinking there
must be better than here.
you felt too much once,
feel too much still.
his pain was your pain,
like his pain is my pain,
now and always will.
you cried too much once,
cry too much still.
with hearts crumbling,
souls fading,
we loved too much,
once and always will.
come and sit awhile
let’s calm our racing hearts
slow our breathing while
we pace our troubled thoughts
only certain worries
can I handle today
close my eyes to stop the fury
put my hands out to pray
come and sit awhile
we don’t have to say a word
let’s just marvel at creation
let’s wish to be like the birds
can’t handle any anxieties today
I can’t even deal
close my eyes to stop the world
put my hand up to pray
come and sit awhile
long-lost friend of mine
let’s just sit in silence
until the end of time
The Tape House 