we can’t help it
this lot is haunted
with those ancient ghosts
so undecided
they can’t help it
all their fighting
with those old hurts
so resided
we can’t help it
this lot is haunted
with those ancient ghosts
so undecided
they can’t help it
all their fighting
with those old hurts
so resided
must have been a thousand years old,
those scars on her hand
when she forgot her looks and
her dreams ran out the door
yet
that yellow still makes her dizzy
and her tongue still prefers what’s fizzy
maybe her soul hasn’t lost its spark
maybe she hasn’t lost her life
just yet
the panic waits till I’m asleep
lifts me from my unstable trance
to remind me that I need to feel it
that panic echoes in my ears
“Yes, Sheila, you’re going to feel it.”
makes my heart jump and skip
as I peel my shirt from my chest
start chanting prayers
visualize where he’s at
start covering him in prayer
imagine angels by his door
his sleeping body under its wings
tell the panic to leave me alone
let’s go back to that unstable sleep
then tomorrow I’ll feel it, I promise
“Yes, Sheila, you’re gonna feel it.”
broken
before she peels herself out of bed
counting the minutes before she’s back there
hears the chatter outside her head,
but she ignores it, sighs
looks out the window
wills herself out there…
to go wherever they’re going
wonder what his cigarette tastes like
wonder how that ink feels flush against the skin
blush, have to look away
wonder if that was a sin
surely she’s more than this
to just sit here, sit here and just exist
to take up this space
longing to have the laughter last
waiting for life to return to her face
she wishes herself to be anywhere,
any place else, away from this chaos
but alas, she remains, sighs
broken
before she peels herself out of bed
I feel like I’m on an island
all alone,
in this stupid paradise
been here 5 years
since we ran from the corn and ice
but I was happy then
it wasn’t perfect but we had a life
I miss people, I miss talking
in that wonderful coffee shop
you know, the one next
to the bookstore that looked like a vault
instead I’m here
placing blame, saying, it’s not my fault
Now surrounded by palm trees
and endless sun, I’m here
crestfallen, and jumping out of my skin
when the coconuts fall
stopping fast when the lizards zip past
having baby panic attacks in the shower
when distant door slams sound like blasts
But I’m trying – here in paradise
missing your laugh, missing mine
while fixing my margarita or
pouring my wine
I’m here regretting the years
we’ve lost to Old Man Time
I feel like I’m alone on an island
and
I’ll remember the golden aura
around the moon
as you go your own way
I’ll remember all the wonderful
things we wanted to do, someday
here, alone on this island
I’ll remain, I have to stay
She told me in confidence that she thought she gave birth to a beast. She looked around the room to make sure that we were alone. Her eyes darted down and she whispered it, “a monster.“ The odd thing is that his birth had been so peaceful that January evening with the air so quiet you could hear the falling snow. In the peaceful, dim-lit room with hushed voices late at night, he just slipped out. He just slipped out.
She told me that when he was born he looked like a little alien. He hardly slept for 2 years and his hunger was insatiable. When he cried her heart would race, and her eardrums would go numb. She would catch him staring in his crib at things she could not see. Stare so long, his eyes would drip water like a faucet. But he would twirl her hair when she nursed him, and she would feel the softness of his cheek so intently she’d fall in love with him all over again. She’d forgive him for all those sleepless nights and all those staring fits that would leave him unsettled and clingy.
She told me that after he became adorable, he finally learned to walk. He walked a little late. He took to the habit of running from things that weren’t there and he would fall and scream into her bosom. He would look up at the ceiling with a face of horror until Zonegran stopped the infantile spasms. He said his fan blades were covered with blood. He would see pizza on the walls and see shadows move without any light. And when they were trying to be good Catholics, he would tell her that the inside of their church smelled like old people’s burning flesh. But he looked so cute when he played on his wooden airplane. And when he wore his adorable baby blue sweater with the puppy on it, she’d fall in love with him all over again. She’d try to forget all the odd images he put in her head and those strange things he whispered in her ear. She tried to forget her anxiety over all the tests he had and the medications he tried. She’d try to crush the panic that would walk into her room in the middle of night.
She told me that when school started he had a hard time paying attention, hit the teachers, and would play chase without permission. He would cry before school would start, and his dad would have to carry him to the car while he put up a fight. But he would draw her pictures and write, I love you Mommy. He’d ask so sweetly, “do you want a hug?” She’d fall in love with him all over again. She’d forgive all those meetings she had at the school and tried not to grow jaded when explaining his situation. She was always explaining the situation.
She told me about a day in March, a few years past, when she received a call from the teacher to pick up her son early from school. She walked tall into his special classroom and apologized for the massive amounts books and chairs strewn all over the room. “Really, he knows better,” she’d say. She walked out of the building, her son’s hand in hers and made it to her car before she collapsed to cry. She cried for 2 straight hours and couldn’t even make dinner, she was too full of sorrow.
She told me that he could dream of the future and have night terrors that haunted him for weeks. He’d get up at bizarre hours of the night to gather and cut up his clothes. He’d sprinkle cinnamon all over the house 2 days before Christmas because he liked the smell. And dump baby powder all over his room because he said, “I miss the snow.” She looked surprisingly good for being awake all this time.
She told me that although he is growing up into a beautiful young man, he is taller than her now and in some ways smarter than her. But he’s moody and sad, happy and mad. Up and down he goes, round and round he goes. He’s always able to lure her into his trap. He can even catch her eyebrow twitch and it seems that he can read her mind before she speaks. He’s always inches from her and circling around her. Pecking at her, laughing at her, chasing her, and clawing at her. Unfathomable that this was the same human being that had just slipped out so effortlessly into the world.
She told me with a pensive tone that her entire being was filled with fright and even her soul, her aching soul, mourned for it to be over. And she felt betrayed because she asked me, “isn’t your soul supposed to be stronger?” Traitor, she’d call it. She said she felt empty and blank. She’d ask, “how much can one vessel hold?” And with every night that she went to bed thinking she was spent, she’d wake up and have to start it all over again. Each and every night, each and every day. She then told me that when the best place in the nation said, “your son is a candidate for our inpatient program,” she was surprised to be struck with grief instead of relief.
A few moments passed, and then she just stopped. She wiped her cheek and told me in confidence that she wanted to tempt fate in a sea of aqua glass. Feel the wind rush past her face. Witness the brown clouds get taken over by the foam. Tease the pull toward the moon and float. Revel in that and not talk about home.