you can’t recognize that happiness
you wore twelve years ago
your eyes so full of stupid hope
before it hit you, before he hit you
now you have to force the
gold into your brown
darken that kohl to match your fading hair
listen to post’s “blame it on me”
invite that pervert in
to taste your dried up lipstick
make you look away to blush
and wait for the flames to hit
I wondered why he painted the
house the color of blood
blackened the windows except
the one on the upper left side
made the door look like a mouth
so it could devour us one by one
swallow us into the ground
to choke on the dirt, beg to breathe
pray and pray for the evil to leave
I wondered why he painted the
house that awful color of red
his brain just starting to misbehave
his dark thoughts claiming him
taking us down with him
to bear the scars, the trauma
and dream of blood
choke on it even, beg to breathe
pray and pray for the evil to leave
they pulled you out of the water
pale and grey
wind blowing on your blue dress
still clinging to your skin
your eyes stained with sadness
so mad to be saved
the cruel rope still embracing you
I ran to you and knelt
tears fell like stones
crushing my heart
each eager to remind me that
this love is not for the faint of heart
poor little baby, you bit your tongue
chewing on all that hatred.
was it horrible? did it cut your throat
when you swallowed it down?
did it try to climb its way back up, and
make you run to the bathroom to find
an empty stall?
poor little baby, you broke your finger
pointing it and flipping them the bird
that was carrying all that ill will.
did it break free and flee?
perhaps fly away somewhere quiet to
rest on a snow-capped tree or
a glowing, warm palm.
poor little baby, you failed the test.
you were swimming with the sharks, Love
did you feel them when you were up above?
you minded your business and they minded theirs
lifeguard left his station but you didn’t care
you were swimming with the sharks, Love
how did all that danger feel?
not much different than your everyday?
you really are so brave, Love
I wonder if the freaks of the shattered
doors will get lost
now that the holes are fixed
I doubt they’ll cheer and clap
as we rid them of their destruction
but
I like the way the bright color
adorns the walls in this space
as I wonder how long your peaceful
calm will stay in this place
they were running wild near the edge of a cliff
and they asked you to rip your heart out
which you gladly did but then they told you
to push one of them off the brink
push, you weakling, push
would it be your young blonde with the lovely smile
or your red-headed child with eyes of light?
you put your heart back in and begged them to
take it again
they looked at you like those hollow
beings that haunt you during the day
without saying a word, without a second glance
cause you’d had enough of their nonsense
said a silent prayer and took flight
like falling snow
leaving whispers of forgiveness
that your children would never know
on this day of raindrops on our lips
and
wishing on vanishing rainbows
you told me you were happy it was gone
cause it demanded too much attention
but its departure left me useless
and
I’ll miss the purple clouds
and the pelicans floating
between
the horizon and the nodding sun
and
I’ll miss this feeling
that I don’t want to leave
brown tipped moth led the way
past the swamp, the marsh, the murk.
away from the swarm of ink
waiting to envelop me.
it led the way past the squished
garnet worms beneath my
cardboard sneakers, me
whispering sorry
past the house with the
flamingos in their pool,
past the party, the envy, the fools.
brown tipped moth led the way
and I followed, inhaling its dust
past the chatter, the damage, the lies.
away from this flock of fear
and
away from thinking there
must be better than here.
I want to tell you a story about a girl and the sea
but no matter how I begin it
I end up talking about him and me
and I’m brought back to that February day
where it ended – my time spent alone with him
and yet he cries cause he misses it
and every harmonic makes me think of death
how he punched until I had no breath left
and how much energy it took to whimper the word
STOP
I’d rather talk about how I held my breath watching
you disappear into the waves
talk about how you plucked the ivory treasures from the floor
those endless sandy walks finding the sea glass you adore
marvel that you really are so brave
instead of feeling like he’s marching me to my grave
I want to tell you a story about a girl and the sea
but no matter how I begin it
I always end up talking about him and me
