those red butterflies take me back to the time when
those annoying crickets lulled me to sleep
dreamt I was barefoot on the gravel
running to that abandoned church
where those lost souls would be baptized
stood up high to pretend to speak
but I knew I wasn’t worthy
running back to the little, green house
the gravel biting at my soles
I whimpered and looked back –
you ran and didn’t even feel the rocks
you came laughing back,
your feet untouched
there’s danger in having pity on me
cause you’ll sink like me
then you’ll be like me
don’t get too close
cause you’ll get
hurt, you’ll see
then be hurt
like me, just
you wait
and see
her skirt blowing in the wind,
next to the cliff, next to the ocean
her gnarled foot making the rocks,
the sand trickle down
flashbacks of her ballet time
her foot against the edge
and
the crows flew sideways that day
she looking out with eyes closed
wondering if tomorrow she’d be so brave
flashbacks of her walking away
the demon he carried was larger than him
he was unaware but I saw it
and I was just a little girl
this man who smelled of cigars and aging skin
barely spoke, but he had all the baby dolls lined up
and I’m sure he touched them all
including me, innocent and small
this man who crept in with the shadows
when he thought I was asleep, didn’t have a clue
I could turn into a statue and not make a peep
this man was naught, this man who was a creep.
let my eyes stay here and play awhile
before you go away. let me marvel at how
your light shifts shape, your amber haze so
addicting. let my eyes stay here and
play awhile, before you fly right out the
door. leaving your golden smile, your aura,
your everything – helpless on the floor
I want to tell you a story about a girl and the sea
but no matter how I begin it
I end up talking about him and me
and I’m brought back to that February day
where it ended – my time spent alone with him
and yet he cries cause he misses it
and every harmonic makes me think of death
how he punched until I had no breath left
and how much energy it took to whimper the word
STOP
I’d rather talk about how I held my breath watching
you disappear into the waves
talk about how you plucked the ivory treasures from the floor
those endless sandy walks finding the sea glass you adore
marvel that you really are so brave
instead of feeling like he’s marching me to my grave
I want to tell you a story about a girl and the sea
but no matter how I begin it
I always end up talking about him and me
watched you burn our mouths with gooey, orange
marshmallows; the sting made us close our eyes.
cringing, watched you sprinkle Tang on the floor.
it stuck to my feet as i envisioned
so many bangs; my dumb brain felt the heat.
watched the smoke rise above the green buds with
pink tips while rubbing my arms; damn arms felt
whipped. watched you tear through my muscles just like
they were cotton. watched you forget all the
sweet words i spoke; good life, it’s forgotten.
dreamt my life was leaving last night.
panic threw itself on top on me – crushing my breath.
soul escaped my fingertips, fled from my
O shaped mouth; much like what he likes to draw,
minus the teeth, minus the red.
dreamt my life left me; flat like a sheet, empty like a shell.
it was tired of being anemic and pale.
motionless, I watched it walk away.
tried to scream, plead for it to come back,
but my cold mouth froze up, still shaped like an O.
felt the wind rush over me one last time.
instantly made me regret that I had to go.
my only hope is that Sleep will find him.
tuck him gently in her long, scarless arms
to rest his constant mind. arms pale as this
paper – pure as your snow. Sleep will sing him
the sweetest songs to take away his bad
thoughts; erase the memories of the day
gone wrong. whisper affectionately in
his ear that he his good, he is strong, and
that he is loved. as I move away from
his now shut door, I pray that Sleep comes for
him. whisks him away to a place where he
does extraordinary things; after
all, dreamland is an even playing field.
no worries for me in that hopeful place.
my only wish is that Sleep finds him, and
after that time, she then remembers me.
you felt too much once,
feel too much still.
his pain was your pain,
like his pain is my pain,
now and always will.
you cried too much once,
cry too much still.
with hearts crumbling,
souls fading,
we loved too much,
once and always will.
The Tape House 