why is it that i hear screams in the night.
when i close my eyes, and it’s quiet.
flashbacks of you, having to be restrained.
you biting, biting. i’m bleeding.
memories of you strapped down, pumped full of ketamine.
close your eyes, close your eyes. i’m pleading.
Look at you
with the pink sky behind you
adjusting your cap
like you care
Look at you
with your bored eyes closing
faking your sleep
like a dare
Everything he told me was a lie.
The bits about the winter, his past,
his apparitions.
Even that story of him skating
fearfully on the ice
Before he blacked out to
Dream about her.
Lost and crying in Heaven.
Everything he told me was a lie.
I don’t want to be that girl
who gives everything
everything she has and hasn’t
over and over until
it’s years and years later
with everything dwindling
down to a few somethings
I don’t want to be that bird
who gives away her last somethings
somethings she has and hasn’t
every day and day until
it’s ages and ages later
with somethings scrambling
down to nothing
I don’t want to be that desperate soul
who even tries to give nothing
nothings she has and hasn’t
over and over until
she reaches forever and a day
with nothings trembling
down to anything
I don’t want to be that girl
by the time he pulled the bird
out of his pocket
its damp wings were the color
of melted butter
it was gasping, pecking ferociously
its canary spirit flapping away
after the time he pulled the canary
out of his pocket
the soldiers wept for
the absence of its sound
reason lacking, trying unavailingly
to keep any happiness from floating away
you can’t recognize that happiness
you wore twelve years ago
your eyes so full of stupid hope
before it hit you, before he hit you
now you have to force the
gold into your brown
darken that kohl to match your fading hair
listen to post’s “blame it on me”
invite that pervert in
to taste your dried up lipstick
make you look away to blush
and wait for the flames to hit
gave a gorilla a teacup and he crumbled it before
I could reach out, I tried my best not to cry
over that ancient porcelain
I tried again and it happened over and over until
the floor was covered with shards of my past
went to bed perplexed that my praise didn’t
motivate him enough to care to keep them
or at least to want to make me happy
rested my head upon my aged pillow
among the dust, among the plaster
dreamt of gorillas with their array of fractured teacups
and their damned gigantic buckets of laughter
after it tempted me with its stalky teasers
showing me its many scarlet hats
I saw her camouflaged behind the leaves
dull brown hiding her ruddy brown
with her head looking down
I heard her call out a song to distract me
then watched her fly away
broke my heart she didn’t want to stay
you’ll never know what secret thoughts I think,
entertain; as my eyes match my fogged up
window. catch myself against the side to
keep from falling; falling from all my damn
sobbing. secret thoughts to make this hell end.
awful thoughts, selfish thoughts. the banana
leaves try earnestly to shake me from my
disturbing trance. those distant violins
try to keep me awake. they beg me to
follow their sorrow, but they have no clue
what’s in store for my crazy tomorrows.
you’ll never know what secret thoughts I think;
dark thoughts that would make you run, make you sink.
watched you burn our mouths with gooey, orange
marshmallows; the sting made us close our eyes.
cringing, watched you sprinkle Tang on the floor.
it stuck to my feet as i envisioned
so many bangs; my dumb brain felt the heat.
watched the smoke rise above the green buds with
pink tips while rubbing my arms; damn arms felt
whipped. watched you tear through my muscles just like
they were cotton. watched you forget all the
sweet words i spoke; good life, it’s forgotten.
The Tape House 